12.2.26
hello everyone!! long time no see, i have actually been writing some drafts but nothing that really has any legs yet but here i am with a january update! i got given some sage advice that i shouldn't leave the update for the end of the month and instead do it incrementally throughout the month, and i am seeing why. but with no further delay, lots of fun things so let's jump into it :)
hrt & me
a little tmi but i feel like it's something i need to talk about because i feel a little insane about it. so i've been on HRT for a little over two years now, and until november-ish my dosage was done via gel which i believe was a little underdosed, having only recently swapped to injections. during my time on gel i noticed very little if i'm being honest, i hadn't noticed any of the mental changes and had only surface level physical changes.
i had a lot of changes as-is that i struggled to manage around the same time as swapping to injections but now that i've had some time for the clarity of it all i can definitely notice what's been caused by what. it is also truly insane that i jokingly put 'have a cis straight guy have a crush on me' in my ny resolutions, and have somehow have had like four men independently try to hit on me?? i think it became less of a resolution and more of a monkey's paw if i'm being honest but anyways the connected thought is that my doctor was saying that her experience of people swapping to injections has always for some reason physically changed their faces? i'm a little too blind to my own features to notice but this would track, and it's all been a little odd now passing beyond my intended goal. i used to want to just fully 'be a woman' but i think i've settled into a non-binary identity where i do enjoy the androgny of it all, but now i've reached a point that i never really expected to reach? i know, first world problems, but it's kind of like being so focused on the climb that you forget your goal, and once you're there you just kinda realise you had nothing else after that. i guess voice training? get a dykier haircut? maybe i'm done now? who knows!
photography!
i've already touched on photography a bit in my blog, but i just wanted to add on that i feel i've actually been a lot better confidence-wise at actually photographing my friends and just being less ashamed in public to pull out the digicam. there's not much to say here, but i have been really enjoying it and as of today (12/2/26) i got a brand new film camera with a shitload of rolls coming in very soon, so hopefully i get up to some proper fun stuff! :)
volleyball
for about ~7 years now? i've played men's volleyball at a club level, most of which being with my current club. last season i kind of reached a weird point that i could finally articulate about how i get along with my team, but could never actually get close to any of them and always felt like an outsider. over the preseason break i was in two minds about finally biting the bullet and turning to women's volleyball instead, since i did have a fondness for men's volleyball and the culture/guys there- but having volleyball be such a big part of my life and feel so alien for my time there is just something i think that was weighing on me. i sent in my EoI for women's and got confirmation back even after disclosing that i was playing in men's and was on two years on hormones, etc. etc.
imagine my shock when one of my old libero's fucking messages me asking me to play up to a league i didn't actually apply for because he's coaching that one. i guess the anxiety was for nothing, but i've been training with them for a bit now and it is truly insane how much more comfortable i feel around them (sans the just general performance anxiety of now having to Be a Woman) and just how supportive and lovely everyone is, including teammates who knew me pre transition. it's going well, and i'm sincerely really excited to see how the season unfolds.
katanagatari
i've been reading nisiosin's (monogatari author) katanagatari during breaks at work and just an attempt to get off my phone more and read something fun that's also been helpful being scaffolded by vague memories of the anime adaptation i watched like 10 years ago. it's been good, and i've always been afraid of nisioisin's light novels solely because i know damn well how packed full of obscure japanese references and kanji puns they are, but this translation has been held in high regard and i totally see why. i still think having some weeb-level of familiarity with japanese helps a lot in understanding the translations but the footnotes are really helpful and honestly very educational at times. anyways, i've gotten through story 1 and 2 which i remember are still when it builds up but i've been enjoying it enough to keep me going through it because the author just has such an endearing charm in the writing style with the fourth wall breaks and quips/interactions between the characters and the narrative of it all. it does make me really want to rewatch the anime since i remember having so much fun with it, and it still sitting highly on my MAL.
mental update
man, i do remember in january i was actually having such a blast and felt really good but now writing this in early-mid feb, i have this cloud of awfulness over a lot of the things i'm trying to remember. i had an air of hope coming out of the rut that i still feel bad for my friends having to deal with during nov-dec, and i had this new clarity that everything was gonna be okay and that my chungus life is awesome. but there was a nagging feeling that something awful is coming with these good times. stay tuned for the feb update to see if that was right or not i guess.
i have kind of relapsed to some old doomscrolling habits near the end of the month, and have just fallen off the bandwagon with anything outside of hanging out and writing. this blasted drawing tablet has been staring at me, but especially now that i'm moving very soon it feels hard to root myself into something because of that nagging feeling of 'this is temporary' so i've been in a weird stasis i fear because of it.
i've managed to also read a little more too and been trying to find some spaces local to me that i can just sit down, have a coffee, and potentially get some reading/writing done with a good amount of background noise to keep me focused but not enough to distract me. i just stress too much and get too antsy! i would like to find some strategies and places i can readily access outside of a hug from a friend that can help me recenter and chill outtt
next steps
i do have a few drafts that might hold some water, speficially one about writing that i think when i have a clearer mental state would be fun to write about- and also a lot more poetry to chuck onto the blog, to the point where i might need a dedicated section for it oops. but going into februrary i think we're gonna need to buckle our shoes a bit and focus on survival, with all the changes and stressors coming out of the woodwork i already have fallen a bit off with updating here and feel like a broken record with my friends, so i want to focus on getting out of ruts reliably.
i have that work i submitted probably coming soon, and another two poem i submitted to a lesbian zine after being inspired by some zines a friend left with me in his move to another country which has opened up the possibility of just chucking some submissions in to smaller writing submissions. we'll see, in any case, and until then i hope everyone has a lovely february and all my partnered people have an adorable valentines day, and that all my single people survive it. sorry for the slightly depressed tone, that's what i get for writing the core of the update wayyy later that i should've oopsies! it'll be better next month and i'll make sure of it. dattebayo